phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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