The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
