I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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