Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
