I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
