some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
