I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
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He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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