the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
