So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
