I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's never too late to be topless.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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