Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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