i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
