so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
