you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
