nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
