he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
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Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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