Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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