I'm eating all of the evidence.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
