I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
