im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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