She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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