Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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