Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
