I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
