dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
