my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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