Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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