He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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