I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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