Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
