Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So apparently I’m into choking now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
