did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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