I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
