Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
