You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
