My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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