Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
