Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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