I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Randomize
