I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
