so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
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This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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