You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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