....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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