guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
