I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
