I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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