i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
