dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
