My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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