He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
