It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
