I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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