Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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