Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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