I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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