Need sex. Gaining weight.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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