Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
