I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize