Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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